... that I am ,again or as usual, not very active here. I just want to say why this time because I really feel to clear that up. Yeah, I am a very anxious person and worried that other will think "Why doesn't she answer me? Is she stupid?" because of my silence. I am sometimes online here... and still doesn't talk with you. The reason is: there are times and phases I can only stare at pics, surf to net without knowing what I actually want to do, wasting time by doing nothing important... and I don't have the motivation or mood to talk. I am not a very social person. I am way too calm and when I feel bad or not well, I will become extremely silent and not talkative.

I don't know when it started to become like this and it may have to do with some past experiences (especially with bullies at school...) which I rather want to surpress and keep quite about. But my mother is sick, very sick since 2004. She already suffered diabetes since her teens and she is (because of various personal traits) ignorant to realize how dangerous this illnes is. So she gets often problems with her body. The most drastic was in 2004... and now since one year she recovers from both a destroyed (from sugar) foot and a broken leg. She can't walk since december 2010 and as soon as it seemed to get better (and she could stand and go on her feet) she suffered a relapse. And her condition now is... not very good. I must care for the household, I must care for her (and bear her mood), I must study and learn... and I have the feeling I can't take that that anymore. It's too much. And we are also not very rich, so the lack of money causes us many problems too. Because when you are sick you are less worth than those who will work like machines and you don't have to expect to get much help. My mother can't even visit a hospital because the oh so social security office will stop giving us money when she stays more than TWO WEEKS in it. Of course she can't become healthy, but nobody will give a shit about it, especially not our state.

I don't want to sound like I want your pity. But I just thought telling you about how I feel at the moment makes some things clear. And I few people who are maybe worried about me... but I can just say: it's okay. I already have accepted to put up with my situation. I have no other choice to walk further, even if it causes me to become even more upset, feel shitty or extremely angry about how unfair life is and how stupid the crappy vision of "first world" countries being places of richness and eternal happiness is. Behind that mask these countries have as much poor, sick and helpless people but it's easy for our giverment to cover that up by searching other scapegoats we can make responsible for financial and economic problems. And Austia's goverment is especially good with distracting people from the actual problems our society has.