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DarkAsteria

I die, you die
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I need to divert the front page of my profile from my last, depressing journal entry. So let's do some fun things, shall we?

I was tagged by UltraLiThematic

.:Happy star:.  Rules  .:Happy star:.  
* Post these rules.
* Post 8 facts about your character.
* Tag 8 other characters.
* Post their names along with their creators' avatars.


Character: Nikolai Romanow

Magenta by DarkAsteria

Facts:

1. His parents were from Russia and fled the country in the 2020s when he was very young, as a Nationalist power took over the government and proceeded to hunt down whoever they deemed "Revolutionists". That's how they came to the UK.

2. Has been born with an inherited heart condition and needs to take medicaments for it. He could receive a new, improved heart made from his own cell cultures, but he is really scared of the surgery (ironic, because he has a very dangerous job and could die in much more terrible ways on missions)

3. Studied medicine and originally wanted to become a surgeon, but despite his immense knowledge and theoretical skills he had not what is needed to be one. So he became a psychiatrist and a field mission healing mage (who performs simpler tasks and little surgeries) instead.

4. His brother Mikhail is a sociopath (or in medical terms, has ASPD) and unable to empathize with others (he is, however, not a bad guy nor dangerous). Nikolai is highly empathic and does also develop extra empathical skills after he is exposed to the so called "red essence", a mysterious, alien crystalithe that alters living matter (in his case it changed the connections of his neurons).

Despite being so completely different in personality and level of socializing, Nikolai and Mikhail like each other a lot. Mikhail does so just in his own, logical and distanced way. They also call each other by their russian pet names: Kolja (Nikolai) and Misha (Mikhail)

5. He always falls in love with dysfunctional people. His ex girlfriends were either sick with jealousy, narcissistic or downright bipolar. He eventually begins something with a colleague, a doctor working at the medical station of PSI. She might be the only mentally healthy person he ever dated, lol.

That "problem" even extends to men, for his dear Loui isn't really right in his head either. Nikolai is aware of it and does, jokingly, even refer to himself as dysfunctional. And yeah, he is bisexual, even tho he sees himself mostly as "straight".

6. He loves pets, especially cats. He always wanted to have one, but his sister was attacked and traumatized by a cat as a child and so pets were permitted at home. And as an adult he has such little time to care for a pet (plus Loui, who hates and is allergic to cats, would probably kill it XD)

7. He was a edgy rocker in his teenage days. Or more like an emo or pop punk kid. He was a teen in the 2020s and in the 20s that Emo thing was back in full bloom. Every trend will come back, won't it? 

8. He loves cooking. He got this passion from his dad, who had to care for his three children as a single father after Mikhail's and Nikolai's mother died shortly after arriving in London (their sister has a different mother). His father therefore had to learn and master it by himself or else the kids would have only had crap to eat.

So Nikolai's father taught him the high art of preparing russian foods and dishes and Nikolai loves to share the end results of this cross-generational practice with his fellow Tovarich (comrade).


Tagging:

no one. If you want to do it, please go for it!
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I know I keep people waiting for my comeback, and I repeatedly promise that I will get back in touch with them online and in real life. I always instantly fail at doing that and I am really sorry. I know this sounds like an excuse, but I still try to explain myself:

As already said, I have a job. And it takes a lot of energy from me. Doesn't help that my superior is essentially a condescending drama queen, who himself gets into lots of trouble with the chairman, which in turn endangers my position. If I had the choice I'd change immediately, but good jobs are scarce and it just took almost a year for me to get this one. And I really need the money, because I will move into my own flat, which needs lots of work (all walls and floors have to be renewed).

That isn't so much of a problem, albeit making me very tired and stressed out. But my health has been literally going down the shithole. I have such extreme troubles with my digestive system. It started rather benign 4 to 5 years ago with some occasional moments when I felt sick and thought it was due to my stomach being sensitive to some foods. But the last two years things got worse. And now, since circa one year I am in constant pain. I can't eat much, because I worry it will either give me cramps from constipation or diarrhoea (the switch happening so randomly I cannot assign any pattern to it).

The last months it's gotten really bad. You might have noticed, because I don't do much here. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't feel like going out (except for work). I don't have the power to draw as much as I want to. I have to force myself to work and then thinking at night "I hate it. I hate my supervisor and I hate my condition". That fucking pain taking all motivation and lifeforce from me.

And I am honest: it's my fault it came to be this way. Because I was too stupid and didn't visit a doctor. I was afraid, because I let my phobias and self loathing take control of my life. Because I am absolutely bad at looking after me and because I don't feel like I am worth it.

I also didn't want to go to anyone telling me, possibly, that I have cancer. I have seen my grandpa going through this shit for one year until last november, and it was extremely shocking and terrifying to see a usually vital man turn into a living corpse in front of your eyes. And it certainly did something to my already damaged psyche. I told myself, that I'd rather die quickly then go through that shit. 

I was also afraid that I'd have to tell my mother. I know she would not take that well herself, battling with her own health problems. And I'd thought moving into a new home would be useless, if I am going to die anyway.

But at this point the pain and issues have become so bad I couldn't any longer hide it. People started to notice that I behaved differently and weren't satisfied with me negating their notion that I might be sick. The last week I finally gained some sense after the cramps made every bone in my body hurt. Two thoughts were constantly running in my head, apart from "when can I go home" during work hours: I both wished to die so that the pain stops and yet, at the same time, prayed I would not die (or that it wasn't anything bad). It's really strange, isn't it, that we humans sometimes seek death as the sole medicine for our suffering, yet also fear this fading into nothingness and non-existence. I constantly swinged between those extremes and it made me nuts.

So yeah, to finally end this dreadful, petty text that I am afraid reads "please pity me!" (no, don't do that. Thanks): I finally put things into motion. So far I have visited two doctors, but both can't find anything. More tests have to be done and will be done. I am afraid this will be the start of a long journey on which end, hopefully, isn't cancer (yeah, I am bloody afraid of that horrible shit. It makes me hypochondriac AND suicidal). I really hope that in the course of the next months it will become clearer what fucking shit I am suffering from. And at this point I don't even care if they stick some tubes through my asshole and mouth. Just make the pain stop or manageable.

No idea if or when I will get better. And I know that I may be exaggerating and maybe it's not so bad after all… but if I end up dying I will let you know. Those, who will still read this angsty journal anyway. But I think you peeps, who were so nice to communicate with me online deserve to be in the know. I could have written to you personally, but I feel much better after writing this down here on the publicly. Maybe because I also fear that these entries might be the last things I will leave behind in this world (yes, exaggerating again). 

So yeah… we'll see us. Hopefully.
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I am not dead.

2 min read
Well, long time no see and hear, folks.

I wasn't really well, physically and mentally the last weeks. I am sure you have already noticed that from my absence and the last few uploads, which were 2edgy and angsty. Well, I felt really shitty, also someone in the family is dying and that throws everything into chaos (also bad blood among relatives). I don't think you'd be interested in this, so let's move on and change subject.

I have found a new job and hopefully will soon be moving into my first own flat. Embarrassing, because I am already in my mid twenties and still living with mum (but then she is very ill and disabled and I have to care for her, so I guess that's an excuse). 

I used my hard earned money and bought a wacom intuos tablet though, my old bamboo is starting to fall apart and even made my PC and macbook crash (whut). So expect some new digital pieces soon. Though I am not sure how active I will be in the next weeks or months, for a lot of shit is going on right now and when I will move I won't have internet for a while. Also I feel Deviantart has gotten even emptier than before, save for the shitty sonic porn and other disgraces. Is anyone still using this site?

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OC Tag

3 min read
I was tagged by :iconultralithematic:

Yeah, I normally don't do this kinda stuff, but last weeks were stressful and I had a shitty day and week, so why not do something light and fun?

Rules:


1) Post these rules.
2) Post 8 facts about your character.
3) Tag 8 other characters.
4) Post their names along with their creators' avatars.

UltraLiThematic wanted me to post 8 fun facts about my OC Dr.Loui Device.

Oh Doctor, Doctor by DarkAsteria
This bitch right here


1. Loui is a heavy chain smoker in a world and time where smoking is bloody expensive and cigs are even traded on the black market, thanks to strict regulating on ingredients. He also does a lot of drugs, mostly heroin and other sedatives.

2. He is the heir of an old and powerful family of magicians. He is also a descendant of the infamous Device family, also known as the pendle hill witches. Read more about them here.  In my story one of the witches managed to survive the trials and was picked up by a landlord, continuing the line.

3. He really loves knives. Especially when they are stuck in peoples' bodies. He has a vast collection of different knives and swords.

4. He also has a thing for eyes which borders on being a sexual fetish as he also indulges in the whole eye licking thing. I think it's no secret that he likes a lot of kinky and outrageous stuff.

5. He is bisexual through and through and doesn't give a shit about the gender of his partners. However his dating pool is still small because he hates almost everyone (and very passionately). You might be good enough for some sexy times though. 

6. He is smart and educated, but doesn't put importance on it. He dislikes people who are trying hard to appear sophisticated and deep. However he can sometimes be a hypocrite and act smart-arsed too.

7. He hates to be called a nerd, despite his obsession for science and technical perfectionism (especially when it comes to studying magic and spells). He also doesn't seem to fit really into the stereotype; he dresses well, cares for his looks, has it easy with hooking up with others if he wants, etc.

8. Even though all my characters look like they are wearing make-up, Loui definitely does it regularly. During his teenage days it was trendy for a guy to wear it. He never stopped applying it, because he feels he looks better with it, plus he doesn't give a shit about what people think and hates the whole "but real menz do/don't" talk. (he also wears long skirts.)

I tag:
no one, do it if you want and choose whatever character you like

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Well, some people might have already started to wonder about why I am not so active or not writing comments, messenges or don't appear chatting that often. I just want to say that I am not doing that because I don't like you or because I am a cold, arrogant bitch.

Some might have already noticed my regular health problems. They bacame apparent after the disaster with my mum (see old journal entries from 2008 onwards). I have finally started taking medication and hormones, but truth is that I am still feeling shit. I am moody, anxious, have lack of motivation (to draw, to get out, to talk to people and doing stuff in general). And since ca. 2 years I have constantly problems with my stomach. The latter might be unrelated to my illness and I am worried it might be something bad (like cancer. Yeah, I am not an optimist and a bit hypochondriac). Since septmeber I am unemployed again and that really puts me down as well. The crappy thing is that at the moment I can't go to a doctor because the social security office take forever to register me for health insurance.

The last four years have sadly been like a rollercoaster ride. I always hoped things would change for the better, but apart from a short phase where I felt better (this summer) I always relapse and fall back.

I just hope though that I can finish the Goretober challenge (I am stuck a bit at day 16). Maybe I'll do a 2015 review or art summary. Also I will try to get my ass up and do art features again. I have a few unfinished ones in my stash since forever *cough*
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